Self-Doubts

So it’s been like six weeks. Reading week just ended, so I am halfway through my first semester. I haven’t updated like I intended, in part because I have been so busy but also because there hasn’t been much to say. I am completely overwhelmed and spend more time doubting my abilities than feeling sure of myself and what I am doing here. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be and that this is exactly where I am supposed to do. Those moments, unfortunately, tend to happen outside the classroom. It is when I am TA-ing and when the first year MDiv students are coming to me for help and advice that I feel confident.  So in a way, those experiences affirm my own sense of call, which is more to teaching than to scholarship, but in order to get to there, I first have to prove that I can do the scholarship.

So I haven’t posted anything because I wanted to have something to say other than I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t want to be that person who is self-deprecating in order to have others re-assure her. That’s not what I am looking for. Really, it is just a statement of reality – I am stressed out and often feel like I am not as smart as the other PhD students. I also realize that this is part of the process. I spoke to my advisor last week and confessed my lost-ness, especially in one particular class, and rather than trying to tell me not to feel overwhelmed and under-qualified, he acknowledged that my feelings were valid and good – not because he doubts my ability to complete the program, but because the purpose of PhD studies is to stretch, grow and teach us. If I feel confident and certain, then something is wrong. Of course, knowing that this is what we all go through and that it is what we are supposed to experience doesn’t make it any more enjoyable. It doesn’t keep me from sobbing to my parents for over an hour because I don’t understand my class or feeling completed frustrated with myself because I didn't do something as well as I thought I should have.

Thankfully, though, I have a good support system, both here and at home. I think that is what keeps me from packing up and going home, knowing that I am not alone in this. I have people who believe in me when I don't believe in myself, and I have people who are willing to be completely lost and overwhelmed with me.

What was it my friend Seth used to tell me all the time? "Take a deep breath, say a quick prayer and smile."