Four weeks living in Berkeley and two weeks of classes and I'm still standing. Okay, actually I am sitting on my bed, but same difference. Part of me is still in shock that I am in a PhD program. Part of me feels like it is the most natural thing in the world. Part of me is still wondering why the hell I thought moving to the Bay Area would be such a great idea. Couldn't I have gotten a PhD elsewhere??
But here I am, nevertheless.
I have a lot to learn, not just about the Bible but about life in general and life on the West Coast in particular. One of my first lessons, before classes even started, was that around here, you have to "come out" as straight. Maybe it's because I am from the Midwest, maybe it's because I am straight, but it's not something I ever thought about before. Back home, I can hang out with a female without anyone assuming we are anything more than friends. Out here, I have been asked numerous times if my (female) friend and I are partners. It is interesting. I guess it is a reflection of the assumptions we make about people's sexual orientation, as if it matters--or as if it is even our business.
Despite all of the horror stories and stereotypes about the cut-throat world of PhD studies, the PhD students are fairly nice and supportive of each other. There are, of course, exceptions to that; I have experienced some cattiness and hostility after getting a TA job so early in the program. But I'm not going to let it get to me. Rather, I find it amusing that someone further along in the program seems to feel threatened by me or something. I admit, luck factored into me getting the job; I wouldn't have gotten it if I wasn't his advisee. But the bottom line is that my advisor changed his mind about having a TA because he wanted me to be his TA. I'm not going to apologize for that. And most of the other students are happy for me, and when they get the TA job next time instead of me, I will be happy for them too. Because we are all in this together and we all need the same things. Just because one person succeeds doesn't mean someone else won't.
All in all, life is good. There is drama living in the dorms, and at times I feel very old, but in a good way. After eight years of higher education and numerous health issues, I have learned both the art of self-care and the need for self-differentiation (looks like Church Leadership paid off after all!). I don't have the time or energy to get caught up in other people's drama, nor do I really care if that makes them think I am bitch or what have you. I am who I am, no apologies. There are enough people who can appreciate me for me; I don't need to waste my time on people who are only going to bring me down. Okay, that totally sounds bitchy, but whatever. At the end of the day, I'm gonna be me. I'm gonna be true to who I am. And really, what more can I do?
At church this morning, during the children's time, Pastor Mark talked about being the best me that I can be, rather than trying to be better than someone else. It's so true. I can only be me. And all I can do is try to be a better me today than I was yesterday.
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