I have been plagued by nightmares this summer. Recurrent ones, like it's the first day of Greek class and I forgot to prepare the lecture (with various variations...my favorite one was when Anya from Buffy was my co-instructor and we both forgot to prepare and then spent the entire class arguing over how to co-teach). Research-related ones, like some man tries to rape me, but I escape (the joys of domestic violence being central to my dissertation). Conversation-related ones, like my brother was smoking pot and ate all my stuff out of the fridge (although, on the off chance that my brother actually reads my blog, I should clarify that it was a conversation with a friend about her former pothead days that led to that dream, not my brother). There was even a pregnancy, giving birth one, which I'm sure all those dream-interpreters out there would tell me is related to writing my comps proposal, but it definitely was a nightmare, not some joyous occasion!
But all of those nightmares, and all the ones that I am sure will continue to haunt me, end when my alarm clock goes off. And when it comes to that Greek one, I can make sure it doesn't come to pass (although, admittedly, I still haven't prepared for the first class!). But, the point is, I get to wake up. How many people never get to wake up from their nightmares? How many families in Gaza are trapped in a living hell, unable to escape, dreaming every night and every waking moment that the IDF will injure or kill them or their loved ones? How many Israelis never feel safe in their home, constantly afraid that Hamas might finally master the technology to actually kill them with their missiles? How many wives, partners and girlfriends live in fear of their husbands, partners and boyfriends, that their raised voice will lead to a raised fist, that the next blow might strike their child instead of them? How many parents find themselves living the nightmare of losing their child, having to bury them, due to disease, to senseless violence, to preventable overdoses, to unforeseen accidents? How many people find their reality to be their worst nightmare?
So as annoying, and at times frightening, as my nightmares can be (or, in regard to the pot-related one, amusing after-the-fact), they are just dreams, bad dreams, but dreams nonetheless. I wake up in the morning and go about my day. They are not my reality. My reality, in fact, is just the opposite: I am living my dream. Of course, my dream has shifted over time, but this, right here, right now, is what I want, it's what I have been working so hard to achieve. And while some parts are not quite as I expected, I have to say, overall, it is far better than I ever imagined.
Here I am, in California, where I never wanted to be but where I nonetheless need to be. Five years single and loving it, which I never would have thought was possible, even content with the possibility that this single thing might be permanent. Getting ready to start my third year of the PhD program, getting ready to teach my first classes all by myself, getting ready to propose my comprehensive exams. Getting ready. After 10 years of higher education, 10 years of studying the Bible academically, it's all being put to the test. Being tested literally in the form of exams, but more importantly, being tested in my ability to teach. This is what I have been training for, what I have been waiting for -- teaching students, sharing my passions and (hopefully!) igniting theirs. I wake up each morning, shake off the nightmares, and then get to it. I get to spend each and every day doing what I love, reading and researching. And because I ended up here, where I didn't want to be, I've been learning about things I never wanted to learn about, realizing the importance of things that never mattered before. Which means I'm incorporating class sessions like "Queering the Psalms," when I, in fact, don't know how to queer anything. But I'm gonna learn, because it is how so many people encounter and relate to the biblical text -- and that is what is truly important, understanding how people engage the text and being able to meet them there. Unless they're crazy fundamentalist. In which case, don't even bother trying. (Said as a true former crazy fundie.)
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