Checklists & Health Fits

I am exceptionally good at checklists. I think I take them as a personal challenge. Case in point: In my first semester of my PhD program I...

- passed the Hebrew exam
- passed the French exam
- got Aramaic waived
- had my first TA job (well, first as a PhD student)
- submitted the necessary papers for research readiness review

In other words, on the outside at least, I look like I have my act together. Sure there have been failures and setbacks, but overall, I have made great progress on the protocols checklist. But I can check things off a checklist all day. The actual feeling like I know what is going on, like I am half as smart as the other students, like I actually belong in a PhD program--that's a whole other story.  Things are improving. I am actually pretty proud of my final papers. They aren't exactly earth-shattering, but I think I was able to find a new angle for each topic. Hopefully my professors will agree.

And just like that, I am a quarter of the way through coursework (God willing!) The semester was tough. Far tougher than anything I have ever done. Far tougher than moving to Jerusalem for nine months. But I survived. I may not be thriving yet, but I am surviving. And I am learning a lot about myself along the way. I am learning it is okay to do things my own way, at my own pace. For the first time in my life, I had to document my health problems with my school, and that was hard. I am officially "differently abled." It's not really an issue of needing help--I realized long ago that asking for help is part of my life. But it is different when I am asking a friend to walk me home because I am lightheaded than having official notification sent to my professors to let them know that my health impacts my classroom performance. It never used to, not really. I don't know if it is the change in environment, the added stress, or just adjusting, but my health went from being an occasional nuisance to being an almost daily issue. And I have had to make changes in my lifestyle as a result. I have never viewed my health as a weakness--it is what it is, it is part of my life--but I also have never let it affect how I live my life. I have never had to plan things according to what my body could handle, not really. And suddenly, I am realizing that it has to be a factor. Not that I am going to let it ruin my dreams, but it may mean a different time frame. And that's okay.

I went on a date a while back (that's as weird for me to say as it probably is for those of you who know me to read). The guy kept asking me what I like to do with my free time. For the life of me, I couldn't get him to understand that as a PhD student, I don't have any free time. Finally I told him I like to read. He asked me what I like to read, for fun. He was a bit shocked when I told him biblical studies books, much like what I read for class. I looked at him and said, "You gotta understand, this is what I am passionate about. This is what I do for fun. You don't end up in a PhD program by having hobbies." Needless to say, there was no second date. But it's the truth. As hard as it is, as time-consuming and stressful as it is, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am doing this because this is what I love.