Four weeks living in Berkeley and two weeks of classes and I'm still standing. Okay, actually I am sitting on my bed, but same difference. Part of me is still in shock that I am in a PhD program. Part of me feels like it is the most natural thing in the world. Part of me is still wondering why the hell I thought moving to the Bay Area would be such a great idea. Couldn't I have gotten a PhD elsewhere??
But here I am, nevertheless.
I have a lot to learn, not just about the Bible but about life in general and life on the West Coast in particular. One of my first lessons, before classes even started, was that around here, you have to "come out" as straight. Maybe it's because I am from the Midwest, maybe it's because I am straight, but it's not something I ever thought about before. Back home, I can hang out with a female without anyone assuming we are anything more than friends. Out here, I have been asked numerous times if my (female) friend and I are partners. It is interesting. I guess it is a reflection of the assumptions we make about people's sexual orientation, as if it matters--or as if it is even our business.
Despite all of the horror stories and stereotypes about the cut-throat world of PhD studies, the PhD students are fairly nice and supportive of each other. There are, of course, exceptions to that; I have experienced some cattiness and hostility after getting a TA job so early in the program. But I'm not going to let it get to me. Rather, I find it amusing that someone further along in the program seems to feel threatened by me or something. I admit, luck factored into me getting the job; I wouldn't have gotten it if I wasn't his advisee. But the bottom line is that my advisor changed his mind about having a TA because he wanted me to be his TA. I'm not going to apologize for that. And most of the other students are happy for me, and when they get the TA job next time instead of me, I will be happy for them too. Because we are all in this together and we all need the same things. Just because one person succeeds doesn't mean someone else won't.
All in all, life is good. There is drama living in the dorms, and at times I feel very old, but in a good way. After eight years of higher education and numerous health issues, I have learned both the art of self-care and the need for self-differentiation (looks like Church Leadership paid off after all!). I don't have the time or energy to get caught up in other people's drama, nor do I really care if that makes them think I am bitch or what have you. I am who I am, no apologies. There are enough people who can appreciate me for me; I don't need to waste my time on people who are only going to bring me down. Okay, that totally sounds bitchy, but whatever. At the end of the day, I'm gonna be me. I'm gonna be true to who I am. And really, what more can I do?
At church this morning, during the children's time, Pastor Mark talked about being the best me that I can be, rather than trying to be better than someone else. It's so true. I can only be me. And all I can do is try to be a better me today than I was yesterday.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Overly Oriented, Exhausted from Excitement
I keep starting a new post, only to delete or abandon it. I can't seem to find the words to capture the whirlwind of craziness, excitement and exhaustion that I have experienced over the past two weeks since moving into my dorm here at the GTU. So I guess I am going to have to forget all those English classes and my incessant need to make everything sound nice and pretty and just write.
It's a cliche, but it's been an emotional roller coaster. My life in Berkeley began with the placement exams, which were brutal. I passed the Hebrew exam, which was a huge relief, but I did not pass Greek, which means I have to take the advanced Greek class in the spring. I had one day off (which my mom interrupted by waking me up at a quarter to 7am, thinking we were 3 hours ahead) and then orientation started. Four long, overwhelming days. By the end of it, I was exhausted and completely drained. So much information, so many new people. And, while the website says the PhD can be completed in 4 years, we were told on the first day that the average is 7 years--and then I was told by biblical studies people that it takes us even longer because we have so many more requirements. All of it resulted in me breaking down in tears at the "buddy" luncheon. That was rather embarrassing, but those who witnessed it were really supportive. Apparently it is just part of the PhD process. [And, as a side note, after talking to my advisor and other students in the program, I think I can be done in 4-5 years.]
So the end of orientation was rough, but the very next day is when I found out I passed my Hebrew exam, right before I had my meeting with my advisor. I was so excited and enthusiastic that he decided to take a TA for his intro class after all, so I begin that tomorrow. I never thought I would be TAing right away, but it is a great opportunity and I am lucky to have received it. Talking with other PhD students, there doesn't seem to be enough positions to go around. Just goes to show it is as much (if not more) about luck and enthusiasm as it is about talent and knowledge.
I won't go into all the boring details of my life. I have met a lot of great people, and a lot of challenging people. Living in PSR housing, I have gotten to know many of the new MDiv students, and it's been fun helping them navigate through orientation and planning their first semesters. One of the biblical studies PhD students had a party last night, so I had a chance to meet and talk with a lot of the other biblical studies students (along with a few others), although I was the only first year student who went.
As much as I didn't want to move to California, I know this is the right place and the right program for me. It's already starting to feel like home in some ways. I have found some supportive friends, both inside and outside the biblical studies program. And I have a new church home, which is always nice.
There is much more I could say, but I will save it for another time.
It's a cliche, but it's been an emotional roller coaster. My life in Berkeley began with the placement exams, which were brutal. I passed the Hebrew exam, which was a huge relief, but I did not pass Greek, which means I have to take the advanced Greek class in the spring. I had one day off (which my mom interrupted by waking me up at a quarter to 7am, thinking we were 3 hours ahead) and then orientation started. Four long, overwhelming days. By the end of it, I was exhausted and completely drained. So much information, so many new people. And, while the website says the PhD can be completed in 4 years, we were told on the first day that the average is 7 years--and then I was told by biblical studies people that it takes us even longer because we have so many more requirements. All of it resulted in me breaking down in tears at the "buddy" luncheon. That was rather embarrassing, but those who witnessed it were really supportive. Apparently it is just part of the PhD process. [And, as a side note, after talking to my advisor and other students in the program, I think I can be done in 4-5 years.]
So the end of orientation was rough, but the very next day is when I found out I passed my Hebrew exam, right before I had my meeting with my advisor. I was so excited and enthusiastic that he decided to take a TA for his intro class after all, so I begin that tomorrow. I never thought I would be TAing right away, but it is a great opportunity and I am lucky to have received it. Talking with other PhD students, there doesn't seem to be enough positions to go around. Just goes to show it is as much (if not more) about luck and enthusiasm as it is about talent and knowledge.
I won't go into all the boring details of my life. I have met a lot of great people, and a lot of challenging people. Living in PSR housing, I have gotten to know many of the new MDiv students, and it's been fun helping them navigate through orientation and planning their first semesters. One of the biblical studies PhD students had a party last night, so I had a chance to meet and talk with a lot of the other biblical studies students (along with a few others), although I was the only first year student who went.
As much as I didn't want to move to California, I know this is the right place and the right program for me. It's already starting to feel like home in some ways. I have found some supportive friends, both inside and outside the biblical studies program. And I have a new church home, which is always nice.
There is much more I could say, but I will save it for another time.
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