I have never been big on Lenten practices. For one thing,
I grew up in a tradition that didn't really do the Lent thing -- I don't think
my church even had an Ash Wednesday service, not even sure we had a Good Friday
service. My family definitely didn't attend those sort of services.
In high school, I adopted Lenten practices as a means to hide and further
my eating disorder. Last year, I was challenged to give up being so
self-critical, which was an interesting experiment (turns out, when I am gentle
with myself, I am mean to others instead, even if only in my thoughts).
This
year, I am doing something different, something deliberate, something
explicitly spiritual. It centers on art: everyday, I will
incorporate art in some form of art into my day, either through journaling or
drawing or, what is the main form, making cards for other people, as the Spirit
leads. It is fun, meaningful and life-affirming, for me and for others.
I make cards to encourage or to thank or to pray, and then tape the card on the person's door or drop in campus mail or find other creative means to get the card to the person (sometimes enlisting others to help). But it then becomes an
unexpected, pleasant surprise that brings a little cheer in their day, and
many have expressed their appreciation to me, more
than one saying it was just what they needed at that moment.
Of
course, it makes me feel good to be appreciated and for people to view me as a
thoughtful, caring individual. It's very validating of me and my
self-worth. But I am also realizing, that there is something else going
on here, something much bigger than me. I am being very deliberate,
making cards for those whom the Spirit puts on my heart -- not just my friends
or people I think need it. In some ways, I am going out on faith.
One of the first cards I made, I almost threw away because I was afraid
it would offend the person or would seem so off the wall that the person
wouldn't know what to make of it. But I decided to trust God that this
was coming from the Spirit and was indeed something that the person needed. And
of course, the person was appreciative and touched by the card. So I am
learning how to trust that it the Spirit who is speaking to me, and realizing
that it is in fact the Spirit who is speaking through me as I make these cards.
It
is a very humbling experience, to be a conduit of the Spirit. It is a lot of responsibility, really,
learning not only to trust the Spirit, as crazy as she may be sometimes, but
also learning to discern the Spirit's voice from my own inclinations. Not all of the recipients of my cards have
even acknowledged they received them, not that I need affirmation that I am doing something wonderful, but it does make me question at times whether
it was really the Spirit who was prompting me. I am learning from the Spirit, being shaped by the Spirit, being carried God only knows where by the Spirit (not that I'm taking a course on the Elijah-Elisha narratives or anything) -- I am learning to embrace and develop my spiritual gift of encouragement. And that's what it is, a gift of the Spirit. I am the momma hen and the personal cheerleader to those around me, not because I am such a lovely person or because I want people to like me (although obviously, it is nice when people like me and think I am lovely), but because it is who I am -- I am someone who sees needs and meets them, I am someone who understands that we gain more from building each other up than from tearing each other down (despite the competitive nature of American capitalism), I am someone who is fed spiritually by feeding others spiritually. And I am realizing that since this is my spiritual gift, that not everyone has this same gift -- not that those with other gifts are allowed to be cruel to others -- but their gifts are elsewhere and therefore I shouldn't expect them to provide the same sort of encouragement that is so natural to me. It doesn't make me better than them -- it makes me different.
